So Thankful

I give thanks that we were able to enjoy another Thanksgiving Day with Seth.

My sister's first time taking the lead in making Thanksgiving Day dinner in 17 years. She was a trooper and dinner was delicious. Seth ate a good two pounds worth! we loved seeing his loaded plate! :)

I am thankful for his smiles, his laughter ... his presence.

We continue to witness a miracle each and every day that he's with us.

I am SO THANKFUL.

Chico is horrible at taking pictures : ) ...and you are beautiful my love

When everything spins out of control, when I get discouraged, when I get sad, upset, stressed, lonely, helpless, worried or any of the other possible negative emotions that can take a hold of me, there is one person who will go through the motions with me and always help me find peace again.

Drew, I thank you for your support, love, understanding and most of all I thank you for your patience. I know it's not always easy, but you do a beautiful job at finding common ground with me.

I cannot thank you enough for the magic that you have made in my life. For the rock that you are, you keep me hopeful in times of hardship, and although I know I have a storm ahead of me ... I know that you will weather it with me and with your gentle ways you will ease my pain and calm my fears.

Nobody does it better than you baby. I love you.

Fleeting Lucidity

Seth spent the last 6 days at the Huntsman Cancer Institute to help control the pain and to undergo a series of radiation treatments. The cancer has spread to his spinal column and pelvic bones....

He sat at the Dinner table with us on Saturday, it's the first time in weeks since I can remember him being able to do so. It was nice to see and have him around us again.

I can't imagine anyone else in the family not noticing, but the mood was a bit somber, he talked about things that didn't make a lot of sense, fell asleep at the table, asked how long he'd been gone. He asked for chocolate pie only to say he really wanted banana cream pie. His daughter Selena held his hand every time he had a minor seizure, he said it felt better to have someone hold it. James has constant tears in his eyes although he tries to hide it, he doesn't do a good job of it.

Every time I'm around him I feel like he's aging at lightning speeds. He's 37 and it feels like I'm talking to an 80 year old. Yet he's still so kind and soft spoken. You'd think watching him deteriorate would make it difficult to remember what he was like before cancer came into our lives, but no.... I remember exactly what he was like. He always walked so fast... now a snail would win. His hands were always so strong, now they're colorless and weak. He's skin and bones... he lifts his shirt and you can see the radiation road map and the cancer protruding from his abdomen. I'd give anything to see him run up the stairs by two's. It's easy to remember what he was like.... it's what makes seeing him now so difficult to process.

I've been hesitant about taking pictures of Seth, somehow I felt I would be disrespecting him. But now I know better... for every time I take a picture he does his best to pose, his best to smile...



It's easy to remember what it was like....



We love you Chele!

Still

Seth is still with us. His headaches have gotten better after the removal of the tumor from his brain.

He rests most of the day. Sleeps a lot.
We made a blanket for him last week, a deer print fleece. It keeps him warm and the kids really enjoyed making something like that for their papa.

Doctor's gave him 2 weeks to live ... that was 4 weeks ago.
He's still here. Still Fighting.

Buying Time

Seth had open brain surgery at the Huntsman center last Friday. Surgeons removed a golf sized tumor from his brain. Initial observation of the tumor showed the cancer in the tumor was dead – news that would have otherwise been great, were the cancer in the rest of his body dead as well. But still, it was good news and doctors said it would buy him more time and make him more comfortable, which is our goal right now aside from the miracle we all quietly hope for.

He’s home again. Right where he belongs.

Cool Winds

I sat with Seth in his room last week. He lay in bed, propped up on several pillows in a laid back position. A faint, cool, breeze entered through the open window. He looked frail, yet peaceful. James lay next to him but soon left us alone to talk.

We talked about our favorite sunflower seeds and what constitutes a good seed. Lasting flavor was most important.
Especially when you’re an “expert” eater that crams in seeds by the handful – the flavor just HAS to last.
He said Spitz brand seeds have the best flavor when it comes to the actual seed but their flavor fades too quickly.
Zotes brand was crowned longest lasting flavor. I’ll have to remember to test his findings.

As he talked about loosing 23 pounds in 11 days we couldn’t help but laugh at a picture of him on the dresser – apparently under such circumstances his days of hair and a chubby gut sparked a bit of humor in our conversation. When I told him Tyffanie was in weight loss boot camp he told me to tell her how he bragged about his recent weight loss. He gave me a small chuckle and the best smile he could muster up. It’s amazing how cancer transforms the physical body.

We talked about his trip to Honduras, the upcoming deer hunting season and for minutes at a time we would sit in silence.

Seth’s father entered the room, noticing the coolness of the room he asked Seth how long the window had been open.

“I opened it a few hours ago…” Seth said, “…mostly to listen to the wind.”

I held his hand, his fingers cold. He smiled faintly and I smiled back.
At that moment I understood that when you’re living what could be the last days of your life, you’ll savor it all.
It wasn’t just the sound of the wind, it was the feel of it too. Even if it meant being cold. It was feeling, feeling the world, feeling alive. Feeling life...no matter how quickly life seems to be fleeing from you.

We should all learn to live like that. Life is, after all, fleeing from all of us.

Home

Seth is home.
Resting and surrounded by his wife and children.

Welcome home Seth.

The road home

Confirmed flight for Seth. Arriving in SLC tomorrow.

He's currently in Tegucigalpa, Honduras. He can't fly out of Tegucigalpa because this would mean an overnight stay alone in Dallas. An airline in Honduras has donated three tickets to fly him, my aunt and my cousin to San Pedro Sula, Honduras. They fly to San Pedro tomorrow where my uncle will be waiting with a nurse and oncologist that will assist in administering IV pain medication and whatever it is that they use to give him nutrients as he's no longer able to eat. Afterwards, they will put him on a plane that will take him to Miami, Dallas and then SLC where we'll be waiting for him.

We're trying to make arrangements to have someone fly to Miami to meet with him but the airlines here aren't being very accommodating in lowering the cost of airfare, they don't view this as a true emergency and tickets right now are about $1300. I don't understand how an airline in a third world country can donate three tickets and yet American Airlines, Delta or any of the other major airlines here are incapable of offering so much as a discount. Lets see what it takes to arrange a wheelchair for him. Hopefully they give us that much!

In any case, God willing - he'll be with us tomorrow.

Hoping

I was raised to believe in God. To believe that everything in life happens according to his master plan. As I've grown older, perhaps for self justifying reasons, I've questioned the very existence of God...

Today...I'm hoping, through every tear and every anxious, desperate feeling in my heart, that God is really out there somewhere,that his master plan is real and that someway somehow, he brings peace into hearts. I need him to bring peace.

Seth is on the last lap of his earthly existence. We're desperately trying to get him home as he's been in Honduras undergoing alternative treatment. It's a hard thing to do when his pain is excruciating and he's loosing his ability to walk. However, we have encountered incredibly giving and helpful people to assist in his journey home. God willing he'll be with us come tomorrow.

What happens now? The cancer has infiltrated pretty much every major organ in his body ...brain, liver, lungs, kidneys, bones, the most we can do is try to control his pain and keep him comfortable. Tell him how much we love him. Savor every moment we have left with him.

My sister, his wife, calls these days "bittersweet". I guess it's because she can kiss him goodbye. "I'm sorry I didn't kiss you more" - that's what he says to her. I'll never forget that.

I cry with Drew... but I had never cried with my family about this.
Today I allowed myself to cry with my mother.
I cry for my sister.
I cry for their 6 children, especially for James.
I cry for Seth.
Today... I cried to God.
I couldn't remember the last time I cried to God.
But today, I felt him cry with me....


...surrender does not mean resignation. Acceptance does not mean resentment, withdrawal, or defeatism. You will never fail and you will never be lost. We love you Seth.

A Mushy Ode to Vodka

Oh, sweet Vodka liquid of dreams, weaver of spells, seduce me In your warm embrace

Grant me passage to wonderful Elysium, to time and space

Let me forget my sorrow and keep it away till the morrow

Oh, sweet Vodka, take me away, and let me in the winds of pleasure sway.

and sway, and sway, sway, sway, ssssway..... BARF.

Love Is

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like a volcano and then
subsides and when it subsides you have to make a decision. You
have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part, because this is
what love is. Love is not the breathlessness, it is not excitement, it
is not the promise of eternal passion, and it is not the desire to mate
every minute or every second of the day. That is just being "in
love" which any fool can do…Love itself is what's left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

~ Louis De Bernieres ~

Coldplay

I always thought the band was overrated.

.... Never thought I would, but I have. I have fallen in love with Coldplay.

"Speed of Sound" . . . beautiful in its simplicity - I have a deep affection for it. Stimulates the creative and colorful parts of my mind that no one understands. I can only describe them but "if you could see them you would understand."

Strong Medicine

"The soul is healed by being with children”

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Passion

"Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance and you find out you still care for that person."

Fire that burns too brightly, too soon, too intensely - quickly burns away and dies; leaving nothing but charred waste behind. I find that I would rather have a slow burning, steady fire that will last for years and years.

To those who settle for less than mediocre banality for the sake of avoiding loneliness. That's not passion for love. That's being passionately afraid - also known as sad, often pathetic.

Passion and lust often go hand in hand - that so called "love" usually mingles in dark corners, ebbing away as the orgasm subsides. A foamy waste.

But true love - now that's a flame that burns in my heart day in and day out. THAT is my passion.

Don't Go.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

-Anais Nin

Raindrops

I never remembered the last kiss ... because I never thought it'd be the last one.

ideas

Where do they come from? Where do they go? Sometimes my life seems like one massive idea mobbing through a nebulous cloud of possibilities.

I let them get away from me, especially the really beautiful ones - feeling as if I hold on to them, I'll taint them. I like to think that they find their way to a meaningful destiny; like an ordinary, red, bouncy ball that gets away and find its way through a dirty gutter, to the hands of a child and sets their eyes a glow. She treasures it, cuddles it, uses it in the most creative ways. Where as I would let it stagnate and morph within the procrastinating pit of my mind. Until it becomes nothing and I become a dissapointment.

The Story

Found on I-80: Orion

Journal Entry: September 10th 2006

"You took me by surprise when I found you on I-80. Followed me through the night. I must have looked at you a few dozen times.

It Cannot.

My family is back from Honduras. My emotions spanned the spectrum.
Seth has not been able to feel 3 fingers on one of his hands for the last few days. He feels it's as the doctors predicted; that the cancer in his ribs is spreading to his spine. He told me tonight, after we had all finished watching the digital photos of their trip - that he needed to talk to me privately - I told him to call me. I'm dreading the call.

A few months ago my mother mentioned something about him asking if I could make a video of him for his family. He never brought it up again. I think this is what's coming and if it is, how do I gather the strength to watch him, film him, hear him say goodbye? I just don't know if I'm ready for that. In fact, I know I'm not.

I often wonder what he feels. Besides the obvious, steady pain he sometimes appears to be in I wonder if he slowly feels himself being detached inside - detached from life. I wonder if he feels himself slipping further from every breath, little by little - like a slow torture that consumes you from the inside out. I wonder if at times, he ponders every breath and feels a change with each passing one. The world has to look so different - how do you process information? Is everything more vivid? slower? more precious? The laugh of your son, daughter - wife. Does it become more treasured because you hope you'll always remember it, not matter what the physical body does? How many of his thoughts begin with "I wonder if this is the last....."

I treasure every moment. Every single moment. It's so exhausting.

Superman

"He's Superman, he's an action figure and Johnny owns him."

-Drew

New

New Blog. New Home.

New Picture: Arizona Road Trip Pit Stop.

more to come.