Hoping

I was raised to believe in God. To believe that everything in life happens according to his master plan. As I've grown older, perhaps for self justifying reasons, I've questioned the very existence of God...

Today...I'm hoping, through every tear and every anxious, desperate feeling in my heart, that God is really out there somewhere,that his master plan is real and that someway somehow, he brings peace into hearts. I need him to bring peace.

Seth is on the last lap of his earthly existence. We're desperately trying to get him home as he's been in Honduras undergoing alternative treatment. It's a hard thing to do when his pain is excruciating and he's loosing his ability to walk. However, we have encountered incredibly giving and helpful people to assist in his journey home. God willing he'll be with us come tomorrow.

What happens now? The cancer has infiltrated pretty much every major organ in his body ...brain, liver, lungs, kidneys, bones, the most we can do is try to control his pain and keep him comfortable. Tell him how much we love him. Savor every moment we have left with him.

My sister, his wife, calls these days "bittersweet". I guess it's because she can kiss him goodbye. "I'm sorry I didn't kiss you more" - that's what he says to her. I'll never forget that.

I cry with Drew... but I had never cried with my family about this.
Today I allowed myself to cry with my mother.
I cry for my sister.
I cry for their 6 children, especially for James.
I cry for Seth.
Today... I cried to God.
I couldn't remember the last time I cried to God.
But today, I felt him cry with me....


...surrender does not mean resignation. Acceptance does not mean resentment, withdrawal, or defeatism. You will never fail and you will never be lost. We love you Seth.