Fleeting Lucidity

Seth spent the last 6 days at the Huntsman Cancer Institute to help control the pain and to undergo a series of radiation treatments. The cancer has spread to his spinal column and pelvic bones....

He sat at the Dinner table with us on Saturday, it's the first time in weeks since I can remember him being able to do so. It was nice to see and have him around us again.

I can't imagine anyone else in the family not noticing, but the mood was a bit somber, he talked about things that didn't make a lot of sense, fell asleep at the table, asked how long he'd been gone. He asked for chocolate pie only to say he really wanted banana cream pie. His daughter Selena held his hand every time he had a minor seizure, he said it felt better to have someone hold it. James has constant tears in his eyes although he tries to hide it, he doesn't do a good job of it.

Every time I'm around him I feel like he's aging at lightning speeds. He's 37 and it feels like I'm talking to an 80 year old. Yet he's still so kind and soft spoken. You'd think watching him deteriorate would make it difficult to remember what he was like before cancer came into our lives, but no.... I remember exactly what he was like. He always walked so fast... now a snail would win. His hands were always so strong, now they're colorless and weak. He's skin and bones... he lifts his shirt and you can see the radiation road map and the cancer protruding from his abdomen. I'd give anything to see him run up the stairs by two's. It's easy to remember what he was like.... it's what makes seeing him now so difficult to process.

I've been hesitant about taking pictures of Seth, somehow I felt I would be disrespecting him. But now I know better... for every time I take a picture he does his best to pose, his best to smile...



It's easy to remember what it was like....



We love you Chele!

Still

Seth is still with us. His headaches have gotten better after the removal of the tumor from his brain.

He rests most of the day. Sleeps a lot.
We made a blanket for him last week, a deer print fleece. It keeps him warm and the kids really enjoyed making something like that for their papa.

Doctor's gave him 2 weeks to live ... that was 4 weeks ago.
He's still here. Still Fighting.

Buying Time

Seth had open brain surgery at the Huntsman center last Friday. Surgeons removed a golf sized tumor from his brain. Initial observation of the tumor showed the cancer in the tumor was dead – news that would have otherwise been great, were the cancer in the rest of his body dead as well. But still, it was good news and doctors said it would buy him more time and make him more comfortable, which is our goal right now aside from the miracle we all quietly hope for.

He’s home again. Right where he belongs.

Cool Winds

I sat with Seth in his room last week. He lay in bed, propped up on several pillows in a laid back position. A faint, cool, breeze entered through the open window. He looked frail, yet peaceful. James lay next to him but soon left us alone to talk.

We talked about our favorite sunflower seeds and what constitutes a good seed. Lasting flavor was most important.
Especially when you’re an “expert” eater that crams in seeds by the handful – the flavor just HAS to last.
He said Spitz brand seeds have the best flavor when it comes to the actual seed but their flavor fades too quickly.
Zotes brand was crowned longest lasting flavor. I’ll have to remember to test his findings.

As he talked about loosing 23 pounds in 11 days we couldn’t help but laugh at a picture of him on the dresser – apparently under such circumstances his days of hair and a chubby gut sparked a bit of humor in our conversation. When I told him Tyffanie was in weight loss boot camp he told me to tell her how he bragged about his recent weight loss. He gave me a small chuckle and the best smile he could muster up. It’s amazing how cancer transforms the physical body.

We talked about his trip to Honduras, the upcoming deer hunting season and for minutes at a time we would sit in silence.

Seth’s father entered the room, noticing the coolness of the room he asked Seth how long the window had been open.

“I opened it a few hours ago…” Seth said, “…mostly to listen to the wind.”

I held his hand, his fingers cold. He smiled faintly and I smiled back.
At that moment I understood that when you’re living what could be the last days of your life, you’ll savor it all.
It wasn’t just the sound of the wind, it was the feel of it too. Even if it meant being cold. It was feeling, feeling the world, feeling alive. Feeling life...no matter how quickly life seems to be fleeing from you.

We should all learn to live like that. Life is, after all, fleeing from all of us.