My family is back from Honduras. My emotions spanned the spectrum.
Seth has not been able to feel 3 fingers on one of his hands for the last few days. He feels it's as the doctors predicted; that the cancer in his ribs is spreading to his spine. He told me tonight, after we had all finished watching the digital photos of their trip - that he needed to talk to me privately - I told him to call me. I'm dreading the call.
A few months ago my mother mentioned something about him asking if I could make a video of him for his family. He never brought it up again. I think this is what's coming and if it is, how do I gather the strength to watch him, film him, hear him say goodbye? I just don't know if I'm ready for that. In fact, I know I'm not.
I often wonder what he feels. Besides the obvious, steady pain he sometimes appears to be in I wonder if he slowly feels himself being detached inside - detached from life. I wonder if he feels himself slipping further from every breath, little by little - like a slow torture that consumes you from the inside out. I wonder if at times, he ponders every breath and feels a change with each passing one. The world has to look so different - how do you process information? Is everything more vivid? slower? more precious? The laugh of your son, daughter - wife. Does it become more treasured because you hope you'll always remember it, not matter what the physical body does? How many of his thoughts begin with "I wonder if this is the last....."
I treasure every moment. Every
single moment. It's so exhausting.